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The Best Thing

February 12, 2012

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVcA05ZnP5I&ob=av3e

It almost seems like I’ve abandoned this thing, but I’ve been really busy and didn’t have much to say until now.

Life has moved in a positive direction and I’m incredibly happy with how things are panning out in front of me. This new lease on life would not have been possible had a certain situation worked out as I wanted.  I was completely and utterly devastated by the heartbreak. I was looking and saving for a ring. I was ready to start my life with her, but she decided she wanted something else. For the longest time I couldn’t wrap my head around why it didn’t work out, why the path unfolding in front of me wasn’t the one I saw for myself. 

Now I finally understand.

Had it worked out I wouldn’t have found this happiness. I wouldn’t have reconnected with my family. I wouldn’t have been able to travel to places I longed to see. I wouldn’t have experienced a friendship that changed me into a positive, open-minded, relaxed, happy guy who allowed himself to embrace his true passion. I wouldn’t have experienced all of the amazing things that has happened to me! 

I would have been stuck chasing a life that wasn’t right for me. I would have been stuck trying to fix all her problems, sacrificing my happiness for someone who wouldn’t do the same for me.

I know now that she wanted less and I needed more. The guy she’s with now isn’t even close to being on my level, but he seems to be a better fit for her needs. What do I need? I’ll start by saying I need significantly more than what she had to offer. I need a girl who can be my lover and a best friend. A girl willing to travel one week and volunteer the next. A girl who wants to raise a family with me without fully giving up life’s adventures. A girl who is emotionally and mentally mature, but still knows how to have a good time and keep up with me when we go out. In short, I need the girl that’s best for me whoever or wherever she is, whether she lives up to the previous list or not, I want the girl who is best for me.

The girl I wanted to marry last year isn’t that girl. I’d be fooling myself and everyone around me if I said I’m completely over it. I’m still healing and slightly bitter, but everyday I find a new reason to keep moving on and a new reason to be happy. I’m not perfect nor will I ever be; at least now I’m the best I’ve  ever been and love who I’ve become. I hope someday soon a girl will come into my life and love me, too.

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Commitments

November 20, 2011

I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’m flaky, unreliable, and just can’t seem to care about really dedicating my time to something. I’ve developed a weird “If I don’t enjoy it, I’m not doing it” attitude. Which is strange for me because I used to strongly believe in being a man of my word because it demonstrated  good character. “Follow through with obligations regardless of feelings about it”. Now, I really don’t care if I let most people down. There are still a few people out there that I don’t like disappointing, but for the most part I’m letting apathy get the best of me. Don’t like it? I don’t give a shit.

When did this happen?

When did I stop returning messages, showing up to “commitments” and when did I start leaving in the middle of events because I wasn’t feeling it? When did I start thinking it’s okay to possibly quit my new job if they don’t let me travel?

Maybe I shouldn’t be asking myself when, but should be asking why. Why am I acting this way?

I guess deep down I’m tired of being disappointed by people and want to throw it back in their faces for a change. Maybe I’m tired of making an effort, maybe I’m tired of being Mr. Reliable, maybe because I don’t have the urge to put in effort for people who don’t put it out there for me. Even in that instance, I’m too tired to fix friendships worth fixing.

So what is it? Maybe I’m just mentally exhausted. Yes, my life is starting to turn around for the better and I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunities presented to me at this time.  But, that doesn’t change my mental and emotional lethargy. Frankly, it’s been nice unintentionally disappointing people. It sounds fucked up and selfish; I don’t feel the need to commit myself in any way, shape, or form to something that will negatively exhaust me further. I’ll make the effort for experiences that positively exhaust me like: spending time with good people, traveling, exploring, and directing. Everything else is optional.

Although, I seem to be evading commitments, I still desire to make a certain type.

Dear Universe,

I would really like to be in a relationship with an amazing girl in the near future. I’ve been waiting and I’m ready.

Love,

CV

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Check Point

November 7, 2011

I’m either going through a phase or this is who I’ve become.

I smoke weed, drink alcohol like it’s water, sport a faux hawk, carry a weapon, I’m saving for a tat and fuck is tied with hooker as my favorite word. And I’m still slightly confrontational, but not even close to being as bad as before.

On the flip side, I’m family oriented, respectful and open, I volunteer at various organizations, and have altruistic motives for my new career.

So what does that make me?  A good guy. A bad guy. Somewhere in between. A good guy with bad guy tendencies, a bad guy with good guy tendencies, a guy just being himself, a guy who does good and bad things. I guess it depends on how you see the world.

Moving on.

I saw my own personal brand of poison the other day on the freeway. I was stuck in traffic coming home from volunteering when I saw her. Nothing like putting myself through “rehab” and moving on with my life only to be reminded of her existence.  I haven’t focused on it too much, but find the event amusing. The universe has a weird sense of humor.

Career-wise, I feel like I’m running on a treadmill. I’m in motion, but not really going anywhere. I think it would be less frustrating if I didn’t let the judgemental question, “Find a job, yet?” get to me. Just because I don’t have a job “yet” doesn’t mean I’m at home sleeping all day. Have you seen my resume? Have you seen the state of the economy? Do you have your head up your ass? I’ve gotten into it with several people about my employment status. I don’t want to be unemployed anymore than you want to be a whore, but here we are.

This is how I want my world to look in the next year:

-I’m happily employed and filming my first work
-I’ve moved out of my parent’s house and happily adjusted in a good living situation
-I have an awesome girlfriend who loves me and I love her

There are theories floating around out there that we all have the lives we want. That we’ve asked for the situations in which we live. This is all news to me because I don’t ever recall asking for these experiences. But, after much reflection I’m trying to see this time of my life as a transitional period and that I may have indirectly asked for this temporary state of existence. I have to go through this in order to have that. Now, as I’ve discovered that is fluid. It may or may not be what I want or expect. Those with significantly less real life experience tell me otherwise and I have a finger dedicated to them. I don’t care how well-travelled you are, who you know or what you do for a living. If you haven’t experienced REAL trials and tribulations, your advice and theories about life will be considered, but not taken.
Don’t tell me how it is if you’ve never been there.

I just went off on a tangent about a few people, but the point is I want to be happily employed, in a loving relationship, and successfully independent of my parents. I’m doing everything I can to change my current situation and I’m tired of being made to feel like I’m not trying. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it, so I’m ending the post here.

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What now?

October 18, 2011

What now?

A question I ask myself on a daily basis. I apply for marketing jobs in the bay area, search for TV volunteer or internship opportunities, look at film programs and even apply to them.

Thus far, I can’t find a marketing job which I’m rationalizing as it not being the path for me. I might start volunteering at a local TV station in the next few weeks after I sit through their orientation this week. The MFA in SF isn’t broad enough for my taste. The MFA in LA is in LA and I no longer have the desire to move there. SJSU doesn’t have an MFA and won’t accept me for their BFA because I already have a degree. I’m enrolled at various community colleges for their film programs and am scheduled to start classes in January. After I take the classes needed  to get started in film, where will I go after that? Do I even want to take the classes here?

Where do I want to live next? Swims around the overactive think tank that is my head.

I’m actively choosing to ignore the city that seems to pop up in my purview on a very regular basis because reality has shut it down as an option. I inadvertently watch movies based in that town, see billboards to go there, watch commercials talking about it, stand-up comics talk about it, the list goes on and on. So here is a big fat “Fuck you” to the signs or heightened awareness or whatever the hell it’s supposed to be.

On to the next one

1. New York

New York remains at the top of my U.S. Cities travel list and is rapidly climbing my list of places to live. This place has its own culture, awesome film/tv opportunities and it’s a very different environment for me. It would be an incredible place to live in my late 20’s early 30’s. I don’t see myself settling down there, but I can see myself living there for a period of my life. Downside: It’s about 3000 miles away from my family, many areas are ridiculously expensive and I’ve never actually been there.

2. Seattle

An absolutely gorgeous place if I do say so myself. I have seriously considered moving to Seattle. The city was beautiful, green, and vibrant and the people seemed friendly. I have relatives in the area if I ever get lonely and want familiarity. It’s still on the west coast and it’s a quick flight back home when I’m homesick. Downside: The gloom will really take a toll on me and my mood disorder. Maybe I’ll live in Seattle later in life, maybe to settle down with a family or something.

3. San Francisco

My city by the bay. What can I say about SF? It’s close to my family, it has a unique culture, there are tv and film opportunities, and I can be comfortably out. Downside: It’s really expensive and I haven’t been able to find a job in the area.

I’m at a point where I want to move, but don’t know if I can deal with the guilt if I leave again. Everyday I see my Mom’s autoimmune/degenerative illnesses making her suffer and taking her over in addition to other recent health problems. I have a great fear of leaving and coming back to her in poor condition. Although it’s painful to watch, I take comfort in knowing that I’m here while she’s still capable of walking and doing things for herself. And this may sound morbid, but statistically speaking one of her illnesses project death 10 years after being diagnosed.

She’s on year 11.

And I hope and pray everyday that she gets to live much longer than what studies are showing. My love and fear keep me here. My personal desires and ambitions make me want to leave. I’m figuratively torn in two.

Maybe I’ll just compromise with myself and move to San Francisco, only visit New York, and keep Seattle as a future option. I hope God and the Universe send me on the right path because being stagnant is starting to make me restless.

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A Fighter’s Walk

October 12, 2011

 

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Tolerance

October 7, 2011

The metamorphosis I’m undergoing has been interesting, slightly painful, but a mostly liberating experience. I think my journey has officially prepared me to overcome my blatant disdain for hippies. It sounds like a really random joke, but those who knew me well are aware of its depth.  The phrase, “Damn hippies” frequented regular conversation and one of my good friends gave me a funny anti-hippie poster a going away present. I didn’t understand the whole not showering, crying over trees, and fucking up traffic by yelling repeatedly down the street.

When it really gets down to it, I didn’t like them because they are the exact opposite of how I used to be. They are generally free-spirited, openly passionate about causes, avid weed smokers, and focus less on personal hygiene. In one way or another, I’ve gravitated more toward the hippie end of the spectrum as of late. Those who have spent time with me recently can vouch that I’m much less of a tight ass than ever before.

I’ll admit it, seeing Subaru Outbacks/Foresters on the road triggers the word, “Hippie” in my head and the video at the top of this post made me laugh hysterically when I first saw it. However, I can now at least respect their lifestyle and what they stand for even though I may not always agree with their methods of execution.

Peace? Love? Happiness? Sounds good to me.

 

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Hope In A Cookie

October 3, 2011

Picture taken: January 19, 2011

 
I’m not testing the validity of fortune cookies.
I’m giving this one a chance to come true.