Commitments

I don’t know what’s up with me lately. I’m flaky, unreliable, and just can’t seem to care about really dedicating my time to something. I’ve developed a weird “If I don’t enjoy it, I’m not doing it” attitude. Which is strange for me because I used to strongly believe in being a man of my word because it demonstrated  good character. “Follow through with obligations regardless of feelings about it”. Now, I really don’t care if I let most people down. There are still a few people out there that I don’t like disappointing, but for the most part I’m letting apathy get the best of me. Don’t like it? I don’t give a shit.

When did this happen?

When did I stop returning messages, showing up to “commitments” and when did I start leaving in the middle of events because I wasn’t feeling it? When did I start thinking it’s okay to possibly quit my new job if they don’t let me travel?

Maybe I shouldn’t be asking myself when, but should be asking why. Why am I acting this way?

I guess deep down I’m tired of being disappointed by people and want to throw it back in their faces for a change. Maybe I’m tired of making an effort, maybe I’m tired of being Mr. Reliable, maybe because I don’t have the urge to put in effort for people who don’t put it out there for me. Even in that instance, I’m too tired to fix friendships worth fixing.

So what is it? Maybe I’m just mentally exhausted. Yes, my life is starting to turn around for the better and I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunities presented to me at this time.  But, that doesn’t change my mental and emotional lethargy. Frankly, it’s been nice unintentionally disappointing people. It sounds fucked up and selfish; I don’t feel the need to commit myself in any way, shape, or form to something that will negatively exhaust me further. I’ll make the effort for experiences that positively exhaust me like: spending time with good people, traveling, exploring, and directing. Everything else is optional.

Although, I seem to be evading commitments, I still desire to make a certain type.

Dear Universe,

I would really like to be in a relationship with an amazing girl in the near future. I’ve been waiting and I’m ready.

Love,

CV